Vegan restaurant.

I went to this vegan restaurant. I knew that I would have to compromise and try something healthy for me and ethical for the animal kingdom, made mainly with grains and vegetables.

I spent a bit more time than usual looking at the menu. At the end of the menu, I noticed something quite surprising. There was a dish called “lamb freegan — £15”. And I thought to myself, well this makes things easy, if it is true, as I had been having a hard time to understand the rest of the menu.

But how is it possible to have lamb in a vegan place? It must be some kind of joke played on the meat-eaters. They may be suggesting that meat-eaters should at least improve something about themselves, and for example consume only meat destined to be thrown away. Not 100% of vegan morality, but certainly environmentally friendly. Interesting! But do I want to eat almost expired meat? Let me ask the waiter for more details. Besides, the vegan options would be just fine.

– I would like to have the “lamb freegan” please. What is it exactly?

– Of course. It is a lamb which has been in our backyard and surrounding streets feeding itself on free stuff.

– Ah, that’s cool! So, the lamb is the freegan here, not me! Haha!

I was kind of startled. So, what is their idea? They offer lamb, which itself as a being has been conscious, more than the customer requesting to have it as a dish. It does not consume acres of land, but survives on the remnants of consumerism. They do not actually put customers’ health at risk offering ‘freegan’ products. The lamb itself chooses what can be consumed from the free stuff.

That is still a non-vegan option, though. They will still allow me to eat meat from a killed animal in their premises. Except if they had been waiting for its natural death, until it is run over by a car, or commit suicide! And then keep it in store for customers like me. “Just to let you know though, that it usually takes quite long to prepare this dish”, the waiter continues. At this point, I stopped speculating what else they might mean, and decided to go for it. ‘How long will it take, then?’, I asked.

– It depends on you, sir.

– On me?  Ah, no worries, I am ready to order. No doubts, sounds interesting anyway.

– Not quite that, sir. You would have to help us with the preparation.
– Oh like what, am I the one to cook the dish?, I asked smiling.
– No, no, we can do the cooking. You see, the lamb is currently feeding off the rubbish bin outside a nearby Tesco. Your task is to catch it and slaughter it. When you finish, you could use the bathroom to, you know, clean yourself off the blood, while we are cooking for you.